i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
