Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Did I show you my penis last night?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Randomize
