God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
