Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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