did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
