I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
