I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
