so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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