One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
