Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
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hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
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We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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