Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
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I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
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