he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
