Can i not drive my cunt home
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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