no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
