Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
