I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
