i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
