I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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