I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
