I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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