At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
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