I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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