I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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