I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize