Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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