She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
