I wish I could teleport
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
