Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
