you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
