either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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