Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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