Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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