I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just cut my nipple shaving
dude i'm inner monologue high
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Randomize
