It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Boobs are out for the taking
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
