Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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