Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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