so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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