he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
