Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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