I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
