Tell her she can't have a vagina
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
