There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
