ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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