Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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