I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
