It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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