got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
