you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
