Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
