Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
