dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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