It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
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