Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked