Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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