when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
