I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
