were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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