Yo dont text me then not text me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
